We all know depression lies. What we can forget is how often it lies with the truth, and that’s always much more dangerous.
For someone like me, who thrives on doing, on a feeling of accomplishment, it draws me close and whispers in my ear all the things I didn’t manage to do today, this week, this month, this year.
You didn’t read as much of that book as you meant to.
You didn’t make any progress on your company’s next release.
You didn’t completely finish going through your mother’s stuff like you said you would, or even spend very long on it.
You didn’t email the silver trading place back about your mother’s silver.
You didn’t take the next steps toward closing your mother’s retirement accounts.
You didn’t make any real progress toward acquiring medication.
You’re not moving enough, and your body is going to kill you.
You still haven’t finished your uncle’s blanket.
You didn’t write that long blog post you’ve been meaning to write.
You haven’t written a novel worth shopping around in years.
You let the video game you were working on just fall to the sidelines.
It’s so easy to listen. So easy to nod along, saying, Yes, yes of course you’re right. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. I’ve accomplished nothing. This is a dangerous path.
The much better choice, when you can manage it (or so I’ve found) is to instead scream back, loud and with all your might, all the things that you have, in fact, accomplished.
I WOKE UP EARLY EVEN THOUGH IT’S SATURDAY.
I READ SEVERAL CHAPTERS, DESPITE HOW TOUGH READING HAS BEEN FOR ME LATELY.
I SPENT THREE HOURS GOING THROUGH MOM’S THINGS, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DIFFICULT, AND I FINISHED ONE ENTIRE ROOM.
I TOOK TIME TODAY TO RELAX, WHICH I HAVEN’T REALLY DONE IN WEEKS.
I MADE SEVERAL PHONE CALLS IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET THE MEDICATION I NEED, SUCCESS BE DAMNED.
I COOKED AND ATE A HEALTHY DINNER.
I ASSEMBLED MY GRANDFATHER’S NEW CHAIR.
I SPENT SEVEN DOLLARS TO HIKE THREE MILES TO SHUT YOU UP.
I WROTE THIS MOTHERFUCKING BLOG POST.
Scream back into the darkness. Scream until your throat is raw. Fight against the lies with everything you have.
Oh, and the video game? That fell to the sidelines when one of my best friends got breast cancer, and I was very involved in the steps that came next. So fuck you, Depression, and stop bringing that up. You vile bitch.